Well today is the 4th anniversary of my mom’s death. Sept 2, 2000 at 7:05 am she died at the hospital in Fredericton from cancer. Every year around this time, I find I spend a lot of time in reflection about her, about our relationship, about my life. To be honest, many of my memories of my mom from my childhood are ones of constant arguing and my feeling of never being able to please her. As a child, I didn’t understand why she acted the way she did. As I became an adult though, with life’s problems, etc. it was easier to understand her life. My mom was unhappy a good part of her life and I see that now, her criticalness and aloofness with her family were just part of her ways with coping with her life. With her friends, she was the life of the party, warm and generous, but with her family, she always held back. She’d had a rough childhood and difficult life to lead. She developed multiple sclerosis when I was 13, went through a marriage breakup that was off and on for years from the time I was 13 until 16. Then, when I was 31, and her the young age of 56, she died of cancer after a long three year battle. My mom and I had forged a tentative bond after Alec was born, with both of us being mothers giving us some new ground to relate to each other about. Then with her cancer, I think we all tried harder to accept each other’s differences and appreciate the time we had left. While, in her second marriage, she was much happier, she still had a core inside of her that had a void and I don’t think anything or anyone could have filled that up. But sadly, her coming face to face with death helped her re-evaluate her life and she tried much harder to love and I do recognize that she loved us the only way she knew how.

I realized when Kevin and I separated that I had become like my mother in many ways over the years of my marriage. I had become critical and withdrawn. I didn’t see the patterns at first, but I realized later that is what we do if we are not conscious of our lives, we fall into familiar, learned patterns. That’s how my unhappiness manifested itself. I took that knowledge and absorbed it, but now it is no longer a part of my patterning. I’ve learned that happiness comes from being true to myself and now that I am conscious about those learned behaviours, they are no longer part of my life.

I’m glad my children won’t wonder if their mother loved them as I did with mine. I’m not criticizing my mom, just recognizing that life’s patterns and experiences can create a domino effect. I stopped it. I do miss my mom and throughout these years, I have had experiences that make me think of her. Sometimes, I wish we’d had the chance to see if we could have created that relationship that I envisioned in my head. Although, I realize that would be unrealistic too. If anything, I learned while she was dying that I loved her and accepted her the way she was and that I took value from my relationship with her as I could.

So as Alec’s memories of her fade and for Bram who never knew his Grammy, I will keep her alive in my memories, in photos and video. I will pass on stories to them about their Grammy and it will become part of their tapestry of life.

I miss you Mom.