I’m going to discuss something that might rub some the wrong way. All I can say is that these are my opinions and my thoughts and I don’t want to judge anyone else for their choices. I’ve had these thoughts mulling around in my head for a long time but because of talking to several friends lately who have experienced infidelity from their ex spouse, I have felt a compelling desire to get on my soapbox and blog about this. Experiencing infidelity can be devastating. It shakes the core of your marriage and your being. The feeling of betrayal, erosion of trust, and the pure anguish that encompasses you. Now compared to what you might think, affairs are not usually the cause of a marriage break down, they’re generally a catalyst for other underlying problems that were already existent in the marriage. My concern and this is where I step up on my soap box is that I have friends who even though their marriages are over are still bitter and resentful about the affair their ex spouse had. (Note, I have many friends who have experienced this, to my blog readers friends, don’t go crazy trying to figure out if I’m talking about you;))They have tried to hurt their ex spouse, feeling they need to have consequences for their behaviour. The anger and many complex emotions are all normal in the beginning. My concern is those who have not dealt with the emotions. Where bitterness has seeped into who they are very strongly. I have gone on dates with men who when they talk about their ex’s affair, the venom is so readily apparent and I think they have not dealt with their issues. I feel strongly that being bitter and resentful for so long after an affair only hurts yourself. It only holds yourself back from experiencing life. Your children may pick up on your bitterness and confuse them about their feelings towards their other parent. Being bitter won’t bring the marriage back together, it won’t solve your financial problems, it won’t help your kids, it doesn’t do anything positive. Some might say that it makes them feel better by taking revenge on the ex, but is that truly how you want to accomplish a feeling of well being? It will be difficult to move on and experience joy with someone else if you are holding onto a core of resentment about your ex spouse’s affair inside of you.

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking, who am I to talk about infidelity. How can I know what it’s like? This something I’ve never discussed on my blog before. However it has been nearly a year since Kevin and I have separated and a lot has changed in that time. I say this with Kevin having the full knowledge of what is written here before I posted for consideration of their feelings. I know what infidelity is like because Kevin had an affair. I know what those feelings were like when I found out. I was angry, upset, all the standard reactions. But as many of you know, Kevin and I have a great friendship. I forgave him. I recognized that our marriage had other issues. I obviously don’t agree with affairs and I know Kevin felt deeply sorry things happened as they did. However, I knew for the sake of our kids that it was best if Mom and Dad were friends and kept their interests in mind. I had every opportunity to become bitter and fester but I chose not to. I chose to live my life instead. Now, I’m not perfect, I slipped up in the beginning, had my moments of pettiness and anger that came out as I dealt with the feelings involved. But I just couldn’t see the point of holding on to those feelings. She’s an important part of Kevin’s life and the kids love her and she cares for them a great deal. My being angry would just create a situation that would only hurt the kids. My being bitter wouldn’t have brought Kevin home, wouldn’t have made my life better in any way. In fact, I found it very freeing to let the feelings go. I didn’t deny them or shut them down. I went with them completely in the beginning. But afterwards, a choice has to be made. A choice to live life fully as a complete person or as a partial person where part of the soul is encased in anger.

Stepping off my soap box now. If I have offended anyone than I am sorry for that, as I said before, these are my feelings and views on it and I can only speak from my own personal experiences.

I just want to embrace life.