I’m organizing my clothes for my trip and NOTHING fits. I know I’ve gained weight this past year and I refused to buy new business clothes because I don’t plan on keeping the weight on, but now I’m in a bit of a bind for my trip. Sigh, I guess I’ll rummage through my closet some more and see what I can find. I started getting back into regular exercise last month, have lost some weight, but this weight gain this past year distributed everything differently. And things are just fitting differently, not as well:(

Which overall makes me feel pretty crappy and like a big fraud. You see, 3 years ago, I decided that it was time to start losing the weight I had been carrrying for a long time. So I changed my life, became more active and lost approx. 70 lbs  as of Sept. 2005 (you can check out the weight loss category in the sidebar). Fitness and health had become an important part of my life. And one day last August 2005, I had the opportunity to become involved in the research of a new wellness company. I jumped on it as it was something I believed in. And thus it started, my downward spiral. I worked full time for Goose Lane. I had a part time web/print design business. I was busy with 2 kids as a single Mom. And now suddenly I had new work to do.

I guess I thought I’d be able to juggle it all. And I did, but at a cost. I worked all the time, except for when I had the kids. I stayed up until 2 am many nights working. I stopped playing basketball. I justified that with telling myself I was following Dr.’s orders for taking 6 months off. But then the 6 mos came and went and I still didn’t play. I stopped going to the gym. I spent all my non kid time sitting at a computer. Go to work in the morning and sit at a computer, come home, do the kid routine, get them to bed, etc. and sit at the computer working until very late. Well, the body doesn’t do well with that lifestyle. I knew I was gaining weight, but I’m like a rabbit, hoping that if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me. I didn’t step on the scale anymore. I kept telling myself, that things would calm down when I wasn’t juggling so much.

And then in July I quit my job at Goose Lane to go to work fulltime with our wellness company. And that’s when reality kicked in. One morning, I weighed myself and seeing those numbers meant I couldn’t hide from it anymore. I’d gained almost 20 lbs in the last year. I was also feeling tired, more migraines and just overall crummy. The guilt of being involved in a company that was promoting health and wellness and I wasn’t following what we believed in. Then my pedometer arrived in the mail for testing out the computer part of the program. And like the scale being a visual kick in the pants, the pedometer really hit home. 10,000 steps they say, well many days I was lucky to hit 5,000, with an average of 2-3,000/day. More guilt. Well, the only thing to do with guilt is to do something about it. So, I started wearing my pedometer every day, trying to be creative about finding more ways to step, which resulted in me being more active. I started playing basketball again. Those nights are great, I hit my 10,000 steps and more. I have a bathroom in my basement where my office is, but I run to use the upstairs bathroom, just so I can get more activity. Being aware of my steps, made me work harder. If I had hit 8,000 by the end of the night, I’d take the kids for a walk, hoping to hit that 10,000 mark. And it’s working, I feel better on those days and the weight is starting to drop off again. It’s a challenge still, as I have a lot to juggle, a new business involves a lot of time, and my kids are back in school, so there is more time involved with shuttling kids around now. Yet, now I’m not hiding from it anymore and I’m making it a priority. I want our company to be ethical and if I can’t walk the talk, then how can I expect anyone else to do the same.

And I know the difference. I know what it’s like to take that slippery road to weight gain. And I don’t feel like *me* when I’m heavy and I don’t feel well physically or emotionally when I’m heavy. So when our company launches I will be one of the members, like everyone else, struggling to find ways to fit movement in our lives. I’m going to make myself accountable to our members. I don’t want to be a fraud. How could I do otherwise, when I know the difference, have experienced the difference of a more active and fit lifestyle.

So tomorrow I head off to Texas for a marketing seminar. They say everything is big down there, so maybe these extra lbs I’m carrying will fit right in;)